Grief and its complexities.
“Wherever you go, you go accompanied. For I am there with you, present in the chambers of your beating heart.”
Today something stopped me in my tracks. I was googling to ensure I had the correct spelling for the name of the place my dad is originally from as my aunt lives in the area & I needed her address. When I googled the name of the place, it brought up my dad’s death notice from August 2017. It was like I’d been punched in the stomach. It felt like I was reading it for the first time. Anyone who has experienced loss will know what type of moment I’m describing. It could be a song, a smell, a place, a phrase, a gesture that brings about this feeling. It was a feeling of disbelief. I felt like saying is this actually real? Over 2 and a half years later and it still felt like “this can’t be real.”
The thought of living the rest of my life without his presence is heart-breaking. When I think about the future and all it holds for me, there’s one thing I know that it does not hold and that is my dad’s presence, support and protection. This makes me terribly sad and fills me with a sense of loss and helplessness like no other. However when I reflect on it and take a step back, I realise that this is not true. Yes, I will not feel his physical touch, hear is voice, see his smile, but I can and will feel his presence, support and protection. I know that he is with me every single day. I know that he guides me in my work and gives me that push forward when I’m playing it safe. I know he’s the voice in my head that tells me when something doesn’t feel safe or right.
We may not see them, but they are with us. They are cheering us on, holding us up, whispering in our ear that we can do this. They are the rays of sunshine, the gentle breeze, the chirping birds, the golden sunset, the night stars. They are so deeply present in the chambers of our beating hearts. We are never alone as long as our own heart is still beating. From there, they can never be taken away from us.
To whoever is reading this, I see you. I can relate to the pain and grief you feel.
It’s certainly not easy, but it is worth it. Everytime we laugh at a stupid joke, or when we connect deeply with a little child, when we swim in the ocean and feel so alive, when we feel a sense of pride and passion for our home town or county, when we dance like eejits and laugh at ourselves. In these moments it is all worth it.
Without the heartache, how could we ever have valued the highs as much as we do now.
For the days you’re feeling the loss & pain, a beautiful way to connect deeply with your departed loved one is this meditation. I am always filled with a sense of peace and connection whenever I listen to it. No previous meditation experience is required.
Sending you lots of love,